Your Guide to the Health Care Debate

Congress is currently embroiled in a battle that will have an immediate, serious impact on millions of Americans. Americans, of course, are paying rapt attention, comparable to the attention paid to a new billboard on the way to work, or the Tony Awards. I write, of course, about the debate over President Obama’s health care plan. Proponents and detractors of the plan both make good points. I Am My Own Damn Blog will guide you through some pros and cons of Obamacare.

Pro: Health care costs will go down: If we spend less money on health care, we’ll have more money to spend on the important things in life, like cigarettes, handguns, and Doritos.

Con: Socialism is bad: Glenn Beck told me that a public health care option would be the first step in an inevitable decline into socialism. Nobody wants that. I saw “Red Dawn.” The last thing America needs is a bunch of Russians storming our schools, taking over our Californias and shooting our Charlie Sheens.

Pro: Poor people will live longer: This will come in handy when we need to harvest their delicious, delicious organs. I mean…this is good for the…poor people.

Con: Slavery is bad: Sean Hannity told me that doctors would be forced to work for the government, and will only receive tattered rags and dirt huts as compensation. Nobody wants that. I saw “Amistad.” The last thing America needs is a maritime slave revolt and an indignant Morgan Freeman.

At least I assume he's a doctor. Where else would he get all those pills?

Pro: My neck kind of hurts: My dad says it’s probably from my new pillow, but still, I’d rather just get it looked at.

Con: Medicine is bad: Dr. Rush Limbaugh told me that this public health care is just a ploy for doctors to shove their so-called “medicine” down our throats. Nobody wants that. I saw “Patch Adams.” The last thing America needs is for Robin Williams to have full-time work.

Now that we’ve examined both sides of the debate, let’s take a look at the Senators that are holding up health care reform. Some claim that these Senators have ulterior motives in killing public health care. That’s preposterous. Yes, it’s true that Max Baucus, the Senate’s point man on health care, has received $3.4 million in campaign contributions from the heath care industry. So?  Yesterday, I found a five dollar bill under the couch. I suppose that means I’m in Abe Lincoln’s pocket?

Here’s a list of the Democratic Senators who are holding up health care reform, and their reasons.

Senator Max Baucus (D-MT): Afraid that Big Government will encroach on his mom-and-pop erectile dysfunction medicine company. Magic Max’s Dick Serum promises to increase length and stamina…TO THE MAX!

Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL): Thinks that Ponce de Leon fellow was onto something, and that the Fountain of Youth is somewhere in his state. Once he finds it, we’re all set.

Senator Tom Carper (D-DE): Like the rest of us, forgot Delaware is a state, and subsequently, hasn’t shown up to represent it in the Senate in years. Thought Joe Biden was prank calling him all those years.

Mr. Smith looks out for Mr. Smith.

Senator Jefferson Smith (D-Anytown): Senator Smith released this statement: “Well, gee wiz. Don’t this just beat all. Gosh, I sure do feel sore for the millions of folks out there who go bankrupt and lose their homes because they can’t pay their medical bills. But I’ll tell ya, and hear me out now, you can all kiss my ass.”

Senator Maria Cantwell (D-WA): Just plain doesn’t trust doctors. Her mother went to the doctor once. Told her she was healthy and everything was going to be fine. Eleven years later, she was dead. God damn quacks.

Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-AK): Still thinks that Barack Obama is the help, and wonders why he’s so worked up about this health care thing (between you and her, she thinks the uppity fellow should remember his place, but we both know you can’t say that in polite company nowadays).

Senator Kent Conrad (D-ND): Doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. Thinks Americans should stay healthy the same way people do in North Dakota: fresh air, plenty of exercise, and being on the United States Senate heath care plan.

Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA): Thinks her local witch doctor in the bayou is doing a bang-up job, and there’s no need for a switch. Why, just last week she received a poultice of crushed armadillo spleen to ward off the evil eye, and what do you know, Harry Reid hasn’t been giving her so much shit since then.

Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC): She’s feeling just fine, thank you very much. A little fatigue, a wet hacking cough lasting months, and a heart stopping for a minute or two every so often is normal in a woman her age.

Also needs something done about those vocal chords.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Lieberman-CT): Refuses to vote for the health care bill until they add jowl reduction and ball attachment to the list of covered procedures.

Harry Potter and the Obsessive Fanboy

“Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” is the best reviewed and soon to be highest grossing film to date in the series about a young warlock on a quest to use witchcraft to undermine God. Yet, as has been the case with each film adaptation, some fans are upset with the omissions made in the transition from page to screen. Naturally, when a 600-plus page book is converted to a feature length film, some plot elements must be left by the wayside. Nevertheless, I Am My Own Damn Blog will walk you through some of the most egregious omissions between book and film in the Harry Potter franchise.

Sorcerer’s Stone:

Accidental Magic: In the first Harry Potter adventure, the audience is clued into the young wizard’s powers when a python at the zoo speaks to him, and Harry’s abusive cousin Dudley magically falls into the snake enclosure. From this charming instance of attempted murder, we are to understand that there is something special about Harry. The film depicts the python episode, but omits some of the other, somewhat less impressive feats of magic from the pre-Hogwarts Harry. Gone is Harry’s card trick, in which he guessed his aunt Petunia’s card after only nine tries. Also omitted is Harry’s imitation of the world’s greatest wizard, David Blaine, in which he holds his breath underwater in the bathtub for 37 seconds.

Go to the Mirror, Boy: A heartwarming moment in the first film comes when Harry gazes into the Mirror of Erised, a magical mirror that shows the subject’s heart’s true desire. Harry sees the smiling, waving figures of his murdered parents. In the book, however, Harry sees objects more appropriate for the preteen boy that he is, namely a Sony Playstation and a couple of Playboys.

Chamber of Secrets:

There are no differences between the book and the film given that the film, as you are no doubt aware, is simply a videotape of J.K. Rowling reading the book, occasionally pausing to drink some tea or take a quick nap. It made eight hundred forty-three million dollars.

A dementor hard at work.

Prisoner of Azkaban:

The Dementors: In the film, the dementors, the fearsome wardens of Azkaban prison, are similar in appearance to the villainous nazgul from the billion dollar Lord of the Rings franchise. This was done, in all likelihood, to prepare for the inevitable LoTR/Harry Potter crossover series, “Harry Potter, The Fellowship of the Ring, and the Fiery Sellout.” In the book, the dementors appeared more like regular prison wardens, with beer bellies, eighth grade educations and meth habits.

Goblet of Fire:

Like this, but with magic.

“Alternative” Triwizard Tournament Events: The film adaptation depicted the three main events of this wizarding Olympiad: the death-defying theft of a golden egg from a raging dragon’s nest, the heroic rescue of hostages from the vicious merpeople, and the aimless wandering through a hedge maze. These three were the events that furthered the plot, but the film skips several events from the book that added to the magical feel of the triwizard tournament. Who could forget Viktor Krum outlasting Harry in a nine-hour match of wizard quarters? Though, perhaps it’s best that The Measuring of the Wands was overlooked.

Hermione the Agitator: Gone from the film is Hermione’s quest to unionize Hogwarts’ house elves, the emaciated midgets used in the wizarding world as slave labor. Hermione finds no allies in this fight, as even the elves do not want to be free. As a result of this plot element’s removal, we miss out on some thrilling elements of unionizing, including several-hour-long procedural meetings, the introduction of the wizard mafia, and loads of white liberal guilt.

Order of the Phoenix:

The Ministry of Magic neither confirms nor denies the existence of Dolores Umbridge.

Umbridge: Dolores Umbridge, the Defense Against the Dark People professor in the fifth installment, is one of the most hated characters in the entire series. She suppresses free thinking, undermines our heroes, and her disciplinary methods are, simply put, torture. Of course, in the film version, her disciplinary methods, including the quill the scratches the words written into the writer’s hand, her use of Unforgivable Curses, and the waterboard, were described as “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

We’re Gonna Have a Rumble: The climactic confrontation between the under-aged vigilante group Dumbledore’s Army and Voldemort’s Death Eaters loses some of its urgency in the transition between book and film. No doubt this is at least partly due to the omission of the thirty minute song and dance number performed by each side before the battle, including Harry’s dramatic mastering of the “jazz hands” spell.

Half-Blood Prince

Slughorn’s rant: While he is ultimately on the side of our heroes, Professor Horace Slughorn is quite the unsavory character. He “collects” talented or famous students, ignores ordinary ones, and has taught things that were used for great evil. He is, then, exactly like ninety percent of your college professors. In the film, we get an inkling that Slughorn might harbor some hidden prejudice against muggle-born wizards. In a memorable scene in the book excluded from the film, Slughorn’s prejudices come out in the open in a drunken rant: “‘Fucking mudbloods,” Slughorn raged at Harry. ‘The mudbloods are responsible for all of the wars in the wizard world.’ He turned to Harry, with a quizzical look on his face. ‘Are you a mudblood?’ Slughorn caught the stunned look on Hermione’s face. ‘What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”

Guest Column: Why You Beat Me at Madden

This is the first in a series of guest columns here at I Am My Own Damn Blog, and we have a great one to kick it off. This writer needs no introduction. He hated all of the teachers you liked in high school and liked all the teachers you hated. When you got into The Strokes, he got into U2. When you got into The New Pornographers, he got into The Strokes. He is, of course, Your Little Brother, and he’s contributing a piece called “Why You Just Beat Me at Madden.” Enjoy!

Why You Just Beat Me at Madden

By Your Little Brother

Point 1: This Controller’s Broken: Okay, hold on. I was totally about to turn the corner, but my guy didn’t turn sharply enough. The thumbstick is clearly sort of broken. Also, I should have thrown the ball before I got sacked right there. My A button’s insensitive. What’s the big idea giving me this controller? We agreed that it was broken last week. Yes, we did. I don’t know why you don’t remember. We agreed, and now you’re trying to give yourself an unfair advantage.

Point 1A: The Game Is Biased Against Player 2: Don’t think you can get off so easily just by switching controllers with me. This game is biased against player 2. How can you not notice that all of the bounces and all of the close calls always go for player 1? I don’t know why the programmers would put that in there, they just did. No, don’t think you can get out of this by offering to become player 2. I’m going to be the bigger man and just deal with this injustice perpetrated against me by EA Sports.

Cheap move, Broseph.

Point 2: You Can’t Run A Play Action: What the hell was that? You can’t run a play action pass in Madden! It’s a cheap play. The only reason you just got a 57 yard touchdown is because my defensive backs thought it was going to be a running play. Real teams use the play action because it’s different in real life. Real football players have instinct and intuition, and can read the play developing in the quarterback’s eyes. Computer players don’t have that advantage, and so it’s going to fool them every time. Why does your playbook have five different play action passes? Because it’s a cheap playbook. Why does my playbook have eight play action passes? You know what, just forget it. You can run whatever plays you want, since you clearly have no respect for the unwritten rules of video game football. I’m going to be the bigger man and follow the unwritten rules of Madden and not run cheap plays.

Point 2A: I Can Run Fake Punts: What do you mean I’m a hypocrite? The fake punt is DESIGNED to be a trick play, so it’s completely different from a cheap bullshit play like a play action. It’s in the unwritten rules; everybody knows that.

Point 2B: You Can’t Run Fake Punts: Well obviously you can’t run a fake punt. That’s completely unfair! Your punter is a 58 at passing. 58! Mine’s only a 53. That’s an entirely different situation. Your punter’s practically Tom Brady, and that’s why it’s a cheap play for you to call.

Point 3: You Can’t Be The Bills: Whatever happened to matching up so that the teams are even in terms of skill? Now you’re going to just go ahead and play with the Bills? That’s ridiculous. How am I supposed to stop Trent Edwards? His QB rating last year was 85.4! He had one more touchdown than he had interceptions! Also, it’s unfair for you to use Marshawn Lynch in the game, since he’s currently suspended in real life for pleading guilty to a misdemeanor weapons charge. For the sake of fairness, you need to replace him with Dominic Rhodes. Sure, I’m playing as the Patriots, but Tom Brady’s coming off a serious leg injury, and who knows how his video-game version is going to respond. That puts me at a serious disadvantage.

You (artist's rendition).

Point 4: You Sit Around And Practice All Day: You’re only winning because all you do is play single-player Madden all day. I checked out your save file; you’ve played a season and a half of dynasty mode. That’s like 25 games. God, get a life. Yes, I do play Madden for about three hours a day, and like five or six on weekends, but that’s different. I’m playing with the bros at the frat house, so it’s a social activity. Plus, we’re just playing for fun; we don’t take it super-seriously like you do, Bill Parcells. So my thousands of hours played with the bros isn’t even close to your dynasty franchise on ‘Pro” difficulty.

Point 5: I Twisted My Ankle The Other Day: I was at an inherent disadvantage because I sort of twisted my ankle playing beirut the other day. What do you mean I don’t play Madden with my ankles? It’s distracting! I keep mistiming the holes on running plays because all I can think about is my ankle. The fact that I’m even playing at all shows how tough I am.

Point 6: Madden Is Stupid: Sorry, bro. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but Madden’s played out. It’s true. Nobody plays it anymore. Yeah, I know it’s surprising, given that sales of Madden are at an all-time high. But just trust me on this. I read it somewhere. Sure, you beat me, but it’s an arcane skill. In fact, the only reason I came into your room and asked you to play was because I could sense that you secretly wanted to play but were too shy to ask. You don’t need to be shy about asking. I’m here for you. Although, I should point out that there is such a thing as being a sore winner. Sitting there and pretending it’s no big deal just to taunt me isn’t exactly classy. But I’m willing to forgive you. No hard feelings, okay?

Well, that’s it for this week’s guest column. I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath for the next one, and so we’ll try to get Your Little Brother back really soon. Now, back to your regularly scheduled I Am My Own Damn Blog.

On Revolution

Today marks Bastille Day, France’s national day of celebration. The holiday is held annually on July 14 to commemorate the storming of the Bastille during the French Revolution. The Bastille, a symbol of royal power and authority, was overcome by French peasants who freed all of the prisoners held within. All seven of them. To be fair, the seven prisoners were Napoleon Bonaparte, Honore de Balzac, Claude Monet, Gustave Eiffel, Joan of Arc, Jacques Clouseau, and Pepe Le Pew. To this day, the storming of the Bastille provides inspiration for pointless symbolic victories everywhere. In honor of Bastille Day, I Am My Own Damn Blog takes a look at famous revolutions and the events that helped spark them.

Boston T Party

The American Revolution (1776): One of the key events in the buildup to the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party. In 1773, a group Americans stormed a British trading ship and threw crates of British Tea into the Boston Harbor, and then teabagged the British officers without remorse until they agreed to repeal the Tea Act, which established chamomile as the official tea of the colonies (Samuel Adams had a thing for orange zinger). This is not to be confused with the Boston T Party, a citywide celebration in 1983 to celebrate the arrival of Mr. T, who had come to cut the ribbon on a new Dunkin’ Donuts.

The Russian Revolution (1917): In the height of the First World War (or, as it was called at the time, World War I), the Russian monarchy was overthrown, resulting in the establishment of the USSR. One of the more dramatic events of that Revolution was the execution of the royal family. According the hive mind known as Wikipedia:

“After several minutes, the executioners entered the room, led by Yurovsky. With no hesitation, Yurovsky quickly informed the Tsar and his family that they were all to be executed. The Tsar had time to say only “What?” and turn to his family before he was assassinated with a bullet to the head. The Tsaritsa and her daughter Olga tried to make the sign of the cross, but were killed in the initial volley of bullets fired by the executioners, both suffering gunshot wounds to the head…The children Anastasia and Maria were said to have crouched up against a wall covering their heads in terror until they were shot down by bullets, recalled Yurovsky. However, another guard, Peter Ermakov, told his wife that Anastasia had been finished off with bayonets. As the bodies were carried out, one or several of the girls cried out and were clubbed on the back of the head, wrote Yurovsky.”

The event was later turned into a charming animated children’s musical film, “Anastasia,” featuring Bartok, the anthropomorphic singing bat, and Stabby, the anthropomorphic singing bayonette.

Dance Dance Revolution (1998): One of the bloodiest in history, Dance Dance Revolution culminated with the public torture and beheading of the uptight King Stodgy McStuffington for subversion of rhythm and crimes against the funk. Dance Dance Revolution has solved the age old problem: how to spend all one’s time dancing and still never get laid. Now a decade old, some feel that the Revolution has become decadent and stagnant and have defected to the Rock Band coalition. Many believe the two groups are doomed to one day destroy each other in an epic battle of flashing lights, bright colors, and tremendous effort for very little payoff.

True story.

Ron Paul Revolution (2008): It began with a few nerds on the internet promoting Representative Paul’s campaign with libertarian idealism, childish name-calling and poor spelling. Then, there were the spectacular rallies which often drew upwards of forty or forty-five overweight twenty-somethings wearing Guy Fawkes masks. There was a blimp for some reason. Those in the political mainstream chortled and scoffed, but in the end, the joke was on them, as Paul parlayed his groundswell of grassroots support into a monumental second place showing in the North Dakota Republican primary and an overwhelming grand total of thirty-five delegates. The rest, of course, was history. America was transformed into a libertarian utopia mirroring Dr. Paul’s vision, with no taxes, public services, evolution or black people.

Racism in Movies

An inspiration for the children.

Michael Bay’s most recent historical epic, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” is well on its way to becoming one of the highest grossing movies of all time. Not everyone, however, loves this film about giant robots who turn into cars beating up other giant robots who turn into cars. Much ink has been spilled on the characters Skids and Mudflap, a pair of jive-talking, gold tooth-sporting, giant-lipped, illiterate autobots. Certain critics insist that Skids and Mudflap are racially insensitive characters. This claim, of course, is preposterous. How can the characters be offensive to black people? First of all, Skids and Mudflap aren’t black; they’re green and red. Secondly, they aren’t people; they’re giant robots who turn into cars. This isn’t the first time that the PC crusaders have cried foul over supposed racism in innocent films. I Am My Own Damn Blog will take you on a tour of some of the more ridiculous, overblown racial controversies in Hollywood history.

The Movie: Gone with the Wind (1939)

The Controversy: Many have complained about the supposedly insensitive portrayal of African Americans in this cinematic icon. Critics point to the idyllic depiction of antebellum Southern society in which blacks were whites’ smiling, happy personal assistants. In particular, many African Americans have had strong reactions toward the characters “Prissy” and “Mammy.” In his autobiography, Malcolm X wrote of the shame he felt as a child watching Prissy on the screen. In his autobiography, Wayne Brady wrote of the inspiration he felt as a child watching Mammy on the screen.

It’s No Big Deal Because: As thousand of Southern ninth grade history students have noted on the scholarly IMDB message boards, the film cannot be considered racist, as it portrays a different time in America. Slavery was a fact of life in the time in which the film is set; these distinguished scholars have pointed out that if they were offered a slave today, they’d “probably say no.” Mammy isn’t an offensive, unrealistic stereotype implemented by whites to help soothe their guilt while continuing cultural domination over black women: she really acted that way. It’s just Mammy being Mammy.

The Movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

The Controversy: Asian American groups have raised an uproar over the character Mr. Yunioshi. Mr. Yunioshi, a Japanese man, was a bumbling, nearsighted bucktoothed stereotype. Yunioshi was portrayed by beloved character actor and creepy person Mickey Rooney. Critics have focused on the character’s offensive makeup and accent, his lack of purpose in the film other than comic relief, and his complete lack of ninja skills.

Mickey Rooney on set.

It’s No Big Deal Because: Much of the controversy about Mr. Yunioshi revolves around a simple misunderstanding. Critics have particular focused on the idea that Mickey Rooney was a white actor donning “yellowface” for the role. Rooney, however, was in actuality an old Asian man. For every other role in his career, Rooney was actually wearing whiteface. Even more shocking, Rooney completed the racial trifecta by donning blackface in certain films under the pseudonym “Wesley Snipes.”

The Movie: George Phillips: Slave Hunter (1978)

The Controversy: This little-known and otherwise forgettable independent film is a something of a curiosity for featuring a young, pre-stardom Mel Gibson in the titular role. George Phillips is the star slave hunter of England’s Royal African Company. When a group of slaves shuck and jive their way off of Thomas Jefferson’s estate, the father of American freedom and equality calls on Phillips to recover his lost property.

It’s No Big Deal Because: As Gibson is quick to point out whenever he’s asked about the film, “George Phillips: Slave Hunter” actually promotes racial harmony by showing blacks and whites working together to overcome common problems. Phillips is assisted by Jefferson’s obedient slaves Sally Hemmings, Mammy Jones, and Willie Uncletom while trying to track down the tricksters Sammy Coon, Darkie Williams, and Watermelon McChickeneater.

The Movie: Aladdin (1992)

The Controversy: Believe it or not, some people have complained about racism in Disney’s hit film about a young white man defeating a bunch of evil brown men and claiming the nubile brown teenager as his prize. The controversy here centers on the opening musical number, which begins:

I come from a land, from a faraway place/Where the caravan camels roam/Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face/It’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home

The opening lines of a film should set up the ground rules for the film’s universe, and the writers simply hoped to clarify the golden rule of Disney movies: If you’re a good guy, don’t be ugly.

Originally named "Abu Rasul Ruohalla bin Jafar"

It’s No Big Deal Because: Disney subsequently changed the offending line to “Where it’s flat and immense and the heat is intense.” However, most people don’t realize that the line in the original release was itself a major concession. In the original script, the song began:

I come from the land where we worship Satan/Where the men and the camels mate/Where they fly planes into buildings when they hate your freedom/It’s barbaric, and ain’t it great?

This horribly offensive lyric had to be changed, of course. You can’t say ‘Satan’ in a Disney movie.

The Movie: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

The Controversy: It’s difficult to conceive that anything could be controversial about this, the undisputed greatest of Star Wars films. And yet, many were offended by the character that saved the Star Wars franchise, Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar’s dialect has been called an offensive stereotype of Caribbean speech patterns, a problem compounded by bumbling clown persona. Thus far, this has been the sole criticism of the classic character Jar Jar Binks.

It’s No Big Deal Because: Similarly to “George Phillips: Slave Hunter,” Jar Jar Binks and the rest of the Gungan race actually promote racial harmony, as they work alongside the handsome white Naboo surface residents to defeat the evil robot army. This unity stands in contrast with the Star Wars tradition, in which one race has traditionally inhabited each planet. These single-race planets, while convenient, were not especially racially sensitive. Witness the swamp planet Dagobah, with its decrepit, green residents; clearly offensive to Louisiana residents. Recall the wooded planet Kashyyyk, home to the Wookies, the gargantuan bipedal hairy monsters who bark and bellow; clearly offensive to Italians. And perhaps it’s best to simply forget the planet Siesta 9, home of the lazy, shiftless Enchiladian race.

The Movie: 300 (2007)

The Controversy: Several critics complained about the film’s portrayal of the Persians as grotesque androgynous monsters. Some argued that the film was a modern example of orientalism, or cultural domination of the East by the West, or that it was a right wing fantasy version of contemporary international politics. Others complained of the historical inaccuracy, and would prefer our nation’s children to watch wholesome, historically accurate films, like “The Mission,” “Amistad,” or “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

President Ahmadinejad in negotiaion.

It’s No Big Deal Because: Zach Snyder, the film’s director, reached an accord with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Mr. Snyder,” the eight-foot-four androgynous President intoned in his famous baritone, “Be reasonable. You Hollywood directors are famed for your reason.” As Snyder sized up the bare-chested Ahmadinejad, admiring his jewelry, the President continued, “All I ask is a simple tribute: earth, and water. And ten percent of the special edition DVD gross, and exclusive rights to the Xerxes spinoff television series. Snyder smirked, threw his head back, and bellowed, “THIS…IS…ACCEPTABLE!”

The Greatest Celebrity Funerals Ever

This week, the world said goodbye to The King of Pop. The funeral was watched by thirty-one million on various television stations, and streamed by millions more on the internet. Michael Jackson’s funeral was remarkable for being likely the most-watched ever, for the heartbreaking speech by Jackson’s eleven year old daughter Paris, and for extending the life of Jermaine Jackson by several months (he survives solely on the complimentary hors d’oeuvres in cable news program green rooms). In honor of Michael Jackson, I Am My Own Damn Blog will hold your hand down memory lane as we remember some of the greatest celebrity funerals of all time.

William Henry Harrison (1841)

Puts the 'fun' in funeral.

The first United States President to die in office, legend holds that Harrison was cursed by Native American chief Tecumseh, whom Harrison had defeated in the Battle of Tippecanoe. In subsequent years, the legend of the curse evolved so that every President elected in a year ending with zero would supposedly die in office. At the time, however, Tecumseh’s Shawnee tribe simply wanted to disrupt Harrison’s funeral. No public record exists of the events that transpired that day, but the guest registry does include the Shawnee names Laughs Inappropriately, Goads The Widow, and, perhaps most forebodingly, Pees On William Henry Harrison’s Corpse.

Walt Disney (1966)

The popular legend surrounding Disney’s death maintains that his head was cryogenically frozen in the hopes that he might one day be revived in some form. This legend, of course, is entirely false. Disney harbored no illusions of revitalization when he ordered his own decapitation and cryogenic freezing. Disney’s greatest fear was that he might return to Earth as the living dead. Thus, as he lay in a Burbank Hospital dying of lung cancer, he instructed his brother Roy to dismember him upon his death, freeze the head, and smash it. Showing until the very end the compassion for children that made him a legend, Disney’s final words were, “We must spare the children, Roy. They must not be made to know the abject horror of death and disembowelment by swarms of the living dead. I have seen the end times, Roy, and we must spare the children.” Roy Disney dutifully obeyed his brother’s final wishes, but before he cold smash the head, he lost it in a dice game to film producer Robert Evans. Its current whereabouts are unknown.

Abe Vigoda (1982)

Mr. Vigoda sixteen years after his death.

Upon his tragic death in 1982, certain friends of the longtime character actor were unwilling to let him go. At Vigoda’s funeral, his Barney Miller costars Hal Linden and Max Gail removed his body from the coffin and, using a combination of Linden’s famed puppetry skills and Gail’s undergraduate minor in necromancy, attempted to convince the world that Vigoda was alive and well. Nobody bought the ruse, of course, but most everyone played along, partially to be polite but largely out of fear of retaliation by the dark warlock Gail. The episode inspired the 1989 hit comedy film “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Vigoda is known to younger audiences as a frequent guest star on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” Although Vigoda’s segments appear to be filmed in front of a live studio audience, the crowd is actually digitally added later, as no audience could be present due to the horrific stench.

Charles Bukowski (1994)

Bukowski, whom Time Magazine dubbed “laureate of American lowlife,” made his name writing about the soul-crushing drudgery and despair of the human condition, and was called “one depressing fuck” by noted pollyanna Nick Drake. However, as he neared death, Bukowski decided that he wished to leave an uplifting impression on the world, and planned the most heartening funeral he could imagine. And so the funeral featured a series of inspirational speakers, including a circus clown who had lost three limbs in the war but could use the one arm pretty well, a hooker who had contracted syphilis from a United States Senator but was tipped five hundred dollars, and a fifty-three year old Detroit man who had recently advanced all the way to night manager at Wendy’s.

Deforest Kelley (1999)

Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bank!

Kelley, of course, is best known as the voice of the Martian satellite “Viking I” in the 1998 classic “The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars.” However, Kelley was apparently most proud of his turn as Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy in an obscure, long-forgotten television serial called “Trek amongst the Stars.” As the first actor from the show to die, his funeral was a somber affair attended by the rest of the cast. The funeral is noted for the stirring eulogy delivered by distinguished television commercial actor William Shatner. Shatner, choking back tears, delivered the stirring words: “Of my friend, I can say only this. Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels…he owed me one hundred seventy thousand dollars.” With that, noted fat man James Doohan began a bagpipe rendition of “Amazing Grace,” and Kelley’s body was committed to its final resting place, a shallow ditch behind the North Hollywood Taco Bell.

Hunter S. Thompson (2005)

Legendary journalist and insane person Hunter S. Thompson’s last wishes stipulated that his remains be fired from a cannon over the sea. Unfortunately, something was lost in translation between will and funeral, and the funeral planners missed the instruction that the body should be cremated first. Thompson’s body struck and severely damaged a Chinese fishing and slave boat. In order to smooth over the political firestorm, the United States had to grant China several concessions, including the recipe for Coca-Cola (protip: its water, corn syrup, and brown stuff), and the return of the rights to Jackie Chan.